its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
