awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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