I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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