It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
