And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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