I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
