Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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