i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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