I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
