My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize