apparently the secret to your success is patron
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
