SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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