I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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