I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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