just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
