I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
