Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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