Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
