Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
