So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
