I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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