is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
