I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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