He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
