you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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