Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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