I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We're too hungover to prance.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
