Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
