I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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