did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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