he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Randomize
