I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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