I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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