I think im going to throw up on grandma
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Green mimosas i think yes
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
