Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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