I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
