Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
