when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
my poor anus
The struggles of a small town man whore
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