I could make wine with my vomit
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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