I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm having to shit out rocks
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
