Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
