AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
