im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
