feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
no you cant smoke seaweed
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
