I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
