cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
