Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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