Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
