He uses pillows to masturbate.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
