The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
