M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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