dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
