Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
