so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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