I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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