It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
