And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
