I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
