Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
