Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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