just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
this is an emotional support booty call
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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