I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Is Oprah even human
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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